5 min read
Reflecting halfway through the year and realising most of my years worth of reflections have thus far been kept at distance from the online world, tucked in my journal. As a movement enthusiast my enthusiasm for movement also includes moving between states, perspectives and even personalities it feels at times. I have deleted social media more than a handful of times and barely posted any of my innermost wonders and curiosities. At the Winter solstice this was much different and I was vocal, questioning, stretching, pushing. It has been a heavily internal processing this year so far but my journal has given me some relief. This impacts me at an embodiment level as I find myself currently waiting for my classes and the dance classes I attend to roll around to be able to release. Storing. Internalising. Holding tensions then whispering them into the pages late at night instead of regularly dancing or singing them out.
See, I'm not a full time movement practitioner. I have a job in healthcare, plus 2 side gigs, and MTMG is my personal slice of expression and creation. But balancing it all and trying to maintain a routine has felt notoriously difficult. The intrinsic motivation we all get from the joy of creation can easily dwindle once we feel we have reached one peak of the mountain. And when I moved classes from online to the studio I had to pause and look back on the climb so far. Valid! Important!
Yet there are sooooo many more peaks to come...
So I've been resting on this peak for while. Integrating I guess. Planning and holding monthly classes, just enough to savour energy for my big girl job, amongst other side quests and gigs that keep my world turning; both for novelty and to keep the cupboards full and the lights on...while returning to physical practice admittedly quite infrequently. Honestly, my personal practice at home has been falling by the wayside. The work it took to wake up and practice MIM sequences, make playlists, fire up my yang to get practical parts completed, and even the energy put into this website has taken its toll and I sometimes forget to move for movements sake.
But that's not to say nothing has been going on. I acknowledge that Spring saw me begin Spanish lessons, start growing fruit, veg and herbs in the allotment, and take a well needed trip to France which ended up being accidentally extremely social as I was able to meet a friend leaving France for Costa Ric, and celebrate a 30th birthday.
I'm also proud to say I chose (rather, had) to re-join the gym because I needed external motivation - booking classes so I wouldn't flake when I said I would move my body more this week... The pressure to carry everything plus ourself can definitely edge us into a space of needing more resources yet not going looking for them. This weekend I can feel that push, like a physical stick in my back, to open up the blinds I drew in an attempt to restore myself. I'm called to pause and take stock of the seeds I've sown so far (literally and metaphorically), as well as do an inventory of where I want to be within myself and my personal practice as well as within my community. Making some swaps is on the horizon. Because if I can't access resources, it's harder to access myself.
What did help in this last few weeks is a recurring message of devotion and discipline. Each time I have tried to pick myself up from the bootstraps and just 'get back into a routine' it has been informed by shame for the time 'wasted'. Changing my perspective to one of devotion to my body, my mind and my practice rather than white knuckling strict discipline (which btw does not always work for ADHDers - and is even harder in Summer when routines are out the window as we are all playing catch up to visit everyone we have ever known while the days are longer) is helping me immensely. It helps to reframe discipline as devotion to myself and to those who join my sessions so I can hold myself to my small promises, and in return slip naturally back into a state of wanting instead of needing to move my body and practice more expression.
In the early hours of the morning I felt enormous anguish, stress and uncertainty. I got up out of my bed and swung my arms, stomped my feet, and let myself project my voice through hot tears. I have no explanation, reason nor rhyme for it. All I know is by allowing this emotion (energy in motion) to move through me pushed me to another peak. Internally. With nothing to show for it externally this time it felt important to note this as important here in this article.
Here is a teeny 5 minute somatic practice for you to try with me.
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